I write this lesson from a pool of painful experiences in divorce and a celebration of a Godly marriage that works.

Marriage failure is brought about by a set of dysfunctional thinking patterns either in one or both parties. No one gets married to see it fall apart and it is hard to try and keep it together if you don’t how too.

If you are having problems in your marriage and you don’t want it to work, “stop now”. Don’t go any further with this lesson.

Both parties must want it to work.

Q1/ If both husband and wife want the marriage to work, it can work. (True or False)

Meaning of Marriage

Most people only think of marriage as a man to a woman, but it has a far wider reaching affect and ramification in this life and many others lives too.

Marriage is a part of life for most and for the Christian it has a special meaning. Jesus is the groom and the Church is the bride. That mean we will marry Him in heaven one day.

Matthew 9:15 And Jesus said to them, Can the sons of the bridechamber mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? But the days will come when the bridegroom shall be taken away  from them, and then they shall fast. (MKJV)

Revelation 21:2 And I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down from God out of Heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her Husband. (MKJV)

We are His bride to be and we are blessed, because we have the word of God to adorn us with the jewels of God. We will be dressed in the righteousness of Christ.  When we are raised in incorruptible state at the First resurrection we will meet with him and be married.

Revelation 19:9 And he said to me, Write, Blessed are those who have been called to the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he said to me, These are the true sayings of God. (MKJV)

Q2/ We are the bride of Christ. (True or False)

Jesus gave up His place in heaven to come to the Earth and be God here in flesh (Emanuel) then to go through His sacrifice on the Cross to gain the entire world for Gods glory. The world meaning all mankind and of course His creation is waiting for the sons of God to rise up too.

We were won by His sacrifice. Sacrifice is to give up something you love for something you love more.

Q3/ we will our place in heaven by our efforts. (True or False)

Godly order

In many cultures the adherence to Godly order is a bane of contention, many want to abandon or ignore what the word of God is saying about Godly order and submission and in that we see the start of the trouble.

1Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. (MKJV)

    God

    Christ

    Man

    Woman

If you are reading this and you have a problem with this order above, than a problem exists. Let me point out God word is not incorrect, which leads us to the point that our thinking might be wrong and it needs to come into line with Gods word.

Q4/ Man is the head over God. (True or False)

Ephesians 5:21 submitting yourselves to one another in the fear of God. (MKJV)

The fear of the Lord is a thought or feeling of not desiring to be without Him in and throughout our life. If we fail to bring our thinking into order with His word then this could be our outcome.

1.    Jesus submitted Himself to us by dying for us.

2.    We submit ourselves to Him for our benefit in life now and the life to come.

3.    We submit to each other (man & wife)for our mutual benefit now and that it will go well for us in eternity.

How does Jesus rule us? He submitted himself to serve us and not to lord over us.

Q5/ Submission is a powerful dynamic. (True or False)

Submit means to make yourself available to serve and to honour each other. This means for both, man and woman to submit to each other.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

In this modern day women throughout the world find these scriptures difficult to handle again because of dysfunctional thinking.

Men like Ephesians 5:22, because they think they can rule over their wife like a king again because of dysfunctional thinking.

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Q6/ Dysfunctional thinking is the cause of most problems. (True or False)

This verse shows the women the way to approach and deal with their husband. The man needs respect and in some cases admiration from his wife so that he is built up.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it,

Love here in this verse is a powerful love (agapaho) to lay your life down for you wife. A woman needs to feel love so that she will have the sense of comfort and protection in her heart. A marriage should have the elements of comfort, edification and exhortation all under girded by love and mutual respect.

Q7/ We should try to edify, comfort and exhort our partner. (True or False)

Sacrifice

Sacrifice is the noblest thing we can do in this life.

Sacrifice is nothing to be ashamed of but something to be proud of.

Hebrews 12:2  looking to Jesus the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right of the throne of God. (MKJV)

If we stop sacrificing one for another we loose what makes us different to the world.

You can get angry about things, thinking about what you have lost. You may think you are losing something but you are really passing it onto someone who needs it more. A man can win the argument but loose the war.

Q8/ To lose sometimes is to sacrifice. (True or False)

New Life together

As we can see in this scripture the man shall leave his parents and stay close, stick to and support his wife. This does not mean that he has to stop loving his mother to make the wife feel secure. It dose not mean he has to stop doing things for his mother to make the wife feel secure.

What he must do is place his wife second to Jesus in his heart and that all decision should be brought about by communicating with his wife.

Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh. (MKJV)

It is not wise or healthy to say things such as- “my mother did this, we did it this way in my fathers house etc”. Comparison of family culture can bring judgment and we will look at this later in this lesson. We are in marriage to build a new family which will have all the benefits of the previous two family cultures. This amalgamation is not achieved by one dominating the relationship.

Building memories

When a marriage is built with a component of building good memories then it can progress through tough times.

Three stages of marriage

1)     Honeymoon

2)     Get to know you

3)     True love of maturity  

Honeymoon period

Eyes are blinded and no wrong is seen.

I love them so much I can’t be with him or her, they are just perfect, and they are what I need to be complete. You may even call this time a time of infatuation. It is very unusual for a marriage in this period to end in divorce.

Q9/ The honeymoon period will last forever. (True or False)

Get to know you

This is the most dangerous period of time for divorce. Eyes are open a bit and only the imperfections are seen, but they were their before.

She has had the baby and her body is not as good as it was and she has let her hair go. He makes funny sounds when he is eating and he leaves his socks on the lounge and why should I pick them up.

The things that I was attracted too now make me feel repulsed, maybe I was wrong. If only he or she would change to be like me then I would be happy.

The truth is if they were like you, you wouldn’t be happy.

Q10/ We must be vigilant in this period because it is the most perilous time in our married life. (True or False)

True love of maturity  

Divorce could still happen in this period, but it is less likely to happen. I can see all the problems but his or her love is towards me and I know I’m not perfect too.

I know she or he is not perfect but I love him or her no matter what happens. We have been through a lot of tough time and we are going to see it through to the end. If he leaves his socks on the floor I will pick them up because I choose to love him and serve as I would serve Jesus. She is everything I need to bring balance into my life and I love her no matter what happens.

This stage has a state of resolve.

Q11/ Maturity is to be sure that you love because you decide to love. (True or False)

Ephesians 5:26 that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the Word,

A resolve to make a marriage work in the second period would save a lot of marriages from divorce. We need to bring our marriage under the influence of the word of God so that our attitudes can be cleansed. We need a new mindset which is based on the word of God to overcome all difficulties.

Q12/ By reading and studying the word of God in any area of life it can bring about a change in our mindset brining about healing. (True or False)

Deposit and not withdraw

An act of love affects our marriage, but it doesn’t stop there, it goes on from generations to generations

Depositing into the emotional and love bankbook of marriage is in opposition to the way in which the world thinks. Acts of love and sacrifice deposited into our partners’ life will have a reciprocating action which again will only serve to make the marriage stronger.

The only danger for some is that one member of the marriage is withdrawing from the account all the time and the other becomes bankrupt; this in turn will cause destruction. The aim should be to out give each other.

Having been in a marriage where I was emotional bankrupt most of the time where I had no more to give and now I am in a marriage where I am rich I know the contrast.

Proverbs 12:4 A woman of virtue is a crown to her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. (MKJV)

 I must say here without details I had to do my own time with God to see where I had to change, because I had made many mistakes in the area of relationships.

All relationships I have been involved in, Children, wife, friends and etc I needed to come to the place where I realized I was the common denominator and therefore I could only look at myself.

Taking responsibility in all our relationships is of paramount importance.

Q13/ We are the common denominator in all our relationships. (True or False)

Problem areas

Change the order and place anyone of the above in another place for a prolonged period of time and you will have trouble. It can be changed in some circumstances but only by agreement.  

As Christians the order of our commitment in life is.

1.    Personal relationship with God -Time in prayer.

2.    Relationship with your wife------Time in conversation.

3.    Relationship with your children- Time to spend playing.

4.    Relationship with work---------- Go to work to get money to                        give to your family and your offering to God.

5.    Relationship with your earthly family (brothers, sisters and parents).

Catch up with each other at special times.

6.    Relationship with your Christian family.

Learning, experiencing each other and corporate worship. Service in the house of God. Done in order.

7.    Relationship with the Harvest field.  

Fulfilling the call of God to see the unsaved of the world come into the church.

8.    Relationship with your enemy. That you may pray for them.

Once we establish the Godly order in our marriage life we need to look at the small print of the finer details in regards to the problems we can face in marriage.  We need to study how to identify the problems and solve them before they happen.

We need to be honest or we have no chance of our marriages working. We need to look into our own heart to see what needs work if we can see. You may see these in your partner but if they don’t want to see it they won’t want to change, all you can do is pray.

Being honest with our own evaluation; we may see that we fit into one of the list seven below and if so we need repentance or we can’t move on.

The enemy brings sin, rebellion, disobedience, Idolatry, accusation denial and selfishness into the heart of man and it has its highest outworking is in marriage.

Marriage is and should be sacred agreement with another person, more than any activity that we can get involved in, in life.

1.    Sin

2.    Rebellion

3.    Disobedience

4.    Idolatry

5.    Accusation

6.    Denial

7.    Selfishness

I have not covered the first six points in this lesson but only to point them out. The house that has the points from 1 to 6 built into it has a foundation of Selfishness.

I believe the basic problem in most marriages is that one person in the marriage is being SELFISH thinking of themselves, not their partner and definitely not the children. The other person is not even being thought of, or loved. When we do this we are placing a generational curse on our children and our legacy is not of love.

Children are the real victims of a marriage break up. Why do I say this? Because I have been devoiced and I have seen through my own experience the effects on the children.

Husbands and wives need to wake up to the fact of their own selfishness and how this will cause their children to suffer. Then in some cases the children’s whole life will become dysfunctional too.

Job 4:8 As I have seen, the ones who plow iniquity and sow wickedness reap the same. (MKJV)

Q14/ Selfishness is the factor that destroys relationships. (True or False)

Children ask themselves questions such as- are they the cause of the problem. They can feel this even if you try to make them feel otherwise. Then the children will need to deal with their own problems later in life too and possible pass them onto the next generation.

Different Cultures

Different cultures are where selfish attitudes come from and the major factors against your marriage working

You both come from different cultures.

    One is from one family and the other is from another.

    One is from one town and the other is from another.

    One is from one school and the other is from another.

    One is from one state or province and the other is from another.

    One is from one Nation and the other is from another.

    You’re a Man and she is a Woman.

Q15/ All of the above say we all come from different cultures. (True or False)

Different cultures deal with the same problem from a different perspective and in some cultures what is a problem is not in another. Different cultures are the birth place of attitudes and methodologies in how to deal with life. You only need to look at the world to see how these problems get out of hand.

Statements such as- We do it this way in my country and we know its right and you should change your whole way of looking at life and do it my way, then every thing will work and I will be happy. I don’t care if you are not happy. This is selfishness and it leads to oppression of the less forceful party in any relationship.

Each one wants the other to give-up there culture.

Each one knows that their mother brought them up and they are “ok” so what is the problem? This type of thinking is so short sighted that it does not incorporate the other person approach or feelings.

Q16/ We all know that one culture is better than another. (True or False)

Final barrier

The final culture barrier, you’re a Man and she is a Woman.

Man and woman think differently, she will say one thing and mean something different and she expect him to know that.

He know what has to be done to solve all the problems if only she would do what she is told, but he doesn’t understand she doesn’t want him to solve the problems she only wants him to listen.

He expects me to do this and I won’t.

She expects me to do this and I won’t.

The facts are against us making our marriage’s work, so why don’t we just give-up and just get devoiced?

We are married in the eyes of God and God does not want us to get divorced. We love each other but we are having difficulties and we want help to get through this. What do we do?

Choose one of the following.

1.    Make your partner do it your way. (Destroy their spirit, break them and lose them)

2.    Get devoiced now. (Walk away and don’t try and admit you were wrong.)

3.    Make an agreement to Follow God’s word. (Try)

Before we can go any further if you choose Q1 or Q2 you have failed this test so don’t go any further. If you failed, don’t feel condemned go your own way and cause no more pain to each other, but remember your children will suffer.

Proverbs 29:18 Where there is no vision, the people perish; but he who keeps the law, he is blessed. (MKJV)

If you choose Q3 and you have said yes then your answer to the next set of questions will be yes and you have Christian hope which is yes and amen.

1 Do you love each other?

2 Do you love your child or children?

3 Do you want to be happy together?

4 Do you both want your Marriage to be successful?

5 Do you believe that the word of God is the word of God?

6 Do you both want to follow the instruction as set out in the Word of God?

There are six questions in the list above if you have gotten six yes's and zero no's you have a chance of your marriage working.

If you got any no’s it is going to be difficult, but it could still work.

If you got all no’s go your own way Gods word has no power over you.

Q17/ The answer of yes is a powerful starting point for success. (True or False)

Time for Decision  

This is the most difficult time for both, because after this we may not know what is in store for us.

When we make an agreement to follow the Word of God through and to see the final outcome in our marriage we will see that we can have a long happy married life together.

Remember we don’t know what is in store for both of us and we will find it difficult, but the word of God is here to help us.

Have you changed your mind and you don’t want to try?

Joshua 24:15 And if it seems evil to you to serve Jehovah, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served Beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you live. But as for me and my house, we will serve Jehovah. (MKJV)

God’s Culture

Forming a new God culture is the only way that man and woman truly form a strong relationship.

Marriage is a Holy covenant established by God and He hates divorce. Therefore He has set in place instructions for the human part of the family of God. We find these instructions by reading His word, but we might say where do I look in the Bible to find them?

Proverbs 5:1 My son, listen to my wisdom; bow your ear to my understanding; (MKJV)

The earlier it is outlined in this lesson the impossibility of a marriage working, because to odds are against a marriage in this modern day. The trend in the world is that more than 60% of marriages end in divorce.

Malachi 2: 16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.

    So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (NIV)

Does God word say He loves divorce?

Do you want to change your partner?

Do you want to change yourself and not your partner?

We are children of God and we do not belong to any other culture on this earth. We belong to God’s culture and therefore we should build our marriage based on His parameters.

Proverbs 4:2 For I give you good teaching; do not forsake my law. (MKJV)

Where we having difficulties in our marriage we need to see what God has to say on the matter and submit to His leading, surrendering our position so that the full blessing of God will flow in our marriage.

Q18/ Forming a new God culture is the only way that man and woman truly form a strong relationship. (True or False)

Here is what the Bible has to say to become successful in marriage and family life.

 Colossians 3:17 And everything, whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him.

    Col 3:18 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as is becoming in the Lord.

    Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be bitter against them.

    Col 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.

    Col 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they be discouraged.

    Col 3:22 Slaves, obey your masters according to the flesh in all things; not with eye-service, as men-pleasers, but in singleness of heart, fearing God.

Steps to take for success in our life

    Point one Be subject to Jesus + Do everything unto the Lord

    Point two Wives be subject to your Husband + Do everything unto the Lord

    Point three Husbands, love your wives + Do everything unto the Lord

    Point four Children, obey your parents + Do everything unto the Lord

    Point five Fathers do not provoke your children + Do everything unto the Lord

    Point six Workers, work hard for your boss + Do everything unto the Lord

Q19/ Serving and doing everything for your partner as if you were serving Jesus will make your marriage strong. (True or False)

A successful marriage is based on selflessness (Self Last) not selfishness (Self First).

Marriage requires both parties to sacrifice one for another with continues efforts to deposit into your partner emotional bank account. From this shall flow a river of love, children will grow and the blessing of God will flow to a thousand generations.

At the beginning of the healing in a marriage it is difficult to change the old thinking patterns, but as you personally take responsibility to work on yourself and to work at giving as much as you can, it will become easier and eventually it will become automatic to deposit into your partners account.

Psalm 128:2 For you shall surely eat the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and all is well with you. 3 Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine by the sides of your house; your sons shall be like olive plants around your table. (MKJV)

I choose to love my partner.

To love is not a feeling but a choice.

Q20/ A successful marriage is based on selflessness. (True or False)

There’s so much more to this topic.